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The New Dance School
September 20, 2025
Detroit, MI
CLASS OF 2026:
It has come to our attention that you all have forgotten how to Jack. You’re all behind in your studies and are headed straight for failure. This abomination would stain our reputation and standing within the district, and we can’t have that.
We were rooting for you; we were all rooting for you. But you’ve all royally fucked up. We can’t keep giving out second, third, and fourth chances, so we’ve taken matters into our own hands. You all must learn your lesson.
Together with the School Board, we’ve decided to save ourselves and our entire student body from utter and total embarrassment. Please prepare to join us somewhere in Detroit, MI, on September 20, 2025, at The New Dance School. To prevent your pending expulsions, your attendance is mandatory. The New Dance School isn’t real, but it’s serious business.
From the Running Man to the Roger Rabbit and the Robot, students can expect only the finest education in dance. Jazz, tap, swing, modern, and interpretive. Shit, we’ll even teach you how to Dougie! No dance will be left behind.
The School Board is nearly finished with the hiring process. But know that your education is our top priority. Students of the New Dance School will get only the most diligent and thorough instruction. You must trust us when we say that the School Board is hard at work prepping lesson plans and putting together a truly once-in-a-lifetime hoedown to be led by some Midwest dancefloor greats. So dust off those old pointe shoes and squeeze those supple bodies into your skin-tight leotards because it’s time to Jackie O’Body, if you know what we mean.
Student registration will open soon, and like last time, this little shindig may be ticketholders-only. Please be advised that the New Dance School will not be in our original location. With inclusivity as a core value, we’ve found something much bigger and better to accommodate our growing student body’s needs.
Don’t delay: Our email listserv will receive the first notification about open enrollment. Sign up today to guarantee your successful graduation come spring.
We look forward to welcoming you to a brilliant educational year at The New Dance School. It’s time to tell Jack what we came here for. Tell Jack we’re coming back... for more...
Respectfully Yours,
The Harper Valley P.T.A.
313-403-5931