ANNOUNCING A NEWLY FORMED CONSOLIDATED DISTRICT:

Dear Students,

The Board of Education has consolidated the New Dance School with the Body Worx Academy to form the Purefast Worx Regional Night School.

We’ve made a select number of discounted Dual Enrollment tickets available for the Trapper Keeper freaks who prefer to stick to their class schedule. Text “Dual Enrollment 🤲🏻” to the office at 313-403-5931 for the link.

Should risk-taking be more your style, we will be offering a door discount to anyone wearing smiley face stickers coming from the new District’s favorite Cass Corridor haunt.

And, since one of you posted the party on Scruff (a potentially detentionable offense), the Board recommends you “bring a woman.” IYKYK…

In Worx & Moods, We Trust.
–– Principal P.F. Moods & Guidance Counselor Dretraxx

UPDATE FROM THE BOARD OF EDUCATION:

Dear Students,

I am writing to let you know of some directives given to me by the Board of Education.

Firstly, your detention has a limited capacity, and the Board is strongly encouraging presales. We will do our best to accommodate all learning levels, but preference will be given to overachievers and teachers’ pets.

Secondly, you should all know by now that the location is announced to ticket holders on the day of… tsk tsk! Another strike against you on your academic record! Note that your detention is in the annual club lavatory. We cannot promise you nerds won’t get a swirlie, and glory holes do not count for extra credit.

Lastly, faculty have not submitted lesson plans, and I don’t want them to. But one professor continues to call your detention “whackadoo,” and I agree.

Regular Enrollment continues until Friday at noon. Then we open Late Enrollment for all the slackers and indecisive freaks with senioritis. Come meet us in the them/they-dies room.

T.T.F.N.
— Principal P.F. Moods

Subject: Detention Has Been Assigned

Dear Students,

This letter is to inform you that you have been assigned detention due to ongoing concerns related to your academic performance and inability to Jack. Frankly, I’m disgusted. We were rooting for you. We were all rooting for you…

Specifically, our records indicate that students have been seen committing the following infractions:

Engaging in a reckless situationship(s) with an on-duty DJ(s), blurring the sacred boundary between faculty and fantasy.
Making multiple unsolicited song requests, including, but not limited to DaRude, Tiesto, and the Venga Boys, resulting in disorientation and offense to the selector(s).
Failing to maintain — physically, emotionally, and metaphysically.
Struggling to locate the beat, despite generous BPM cues.
Ghostlisting… No email, no text, no explanation….
Conversing loudly on the dance floor during peak coursework hours.

Accordingly, the WGPR Board of Education and Principal P.F. Moods present the New Dance School, your remedial course in proper party behaviors!

📅 Saturday, September 20, 2025
📍 Location: TBA · Detroit, MI
⏰ Time: 10 PM – until we dismiss you

📞 Students must call the office at 313-403-5931 before reporting, as the detention location is subject to change. Failure to report will result in your expulsion.

We have hired the following faculty to provide you with a positive education:
Leading the Department of Advanced b2b Studies + Relational Chaos: Professor Carlos Souffront b2b Professor Centrific (SF x MPLS)
Two mythic selectors who haven’t shared a syllabus since the last time time stopped (read: never). Is it a class? Is it a ritual? Is it sonic warfare? No one’s quite sure, not even our professors.

Heading the Department of Rhythm Studies + Somatic Recalibration: Dr. Nita Aviance, PhD (NYC)
The library is open. Come prepared to read and be read. Don’t make us spell it out!

Adjunct Faculty Detroit Bureau of Sound (DET) has been left in charge of the Department of Environmental Noise, Surveillance + Feeling Nothing.
No syllabus. No slides. No mercy.

Enrollment for the New Dance School is now open. If you have any questions or believe this detention was issued in error, too bad!

See you in detention, sweetie 💋

–– Principal P.F. Moods

Flier by Mr. Gizmoe.

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2025

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